YEAR 2_

STARTING YEAR TWO_ BATTLING WITH MY INNER DEMONS

Its always a dramatic and anxious affair starting a new educational year, even though I've done it a million times over. I feel scared, not knowing what to expect, whether I can keep up with the work load, whether I’ll be good enough. Of course it is also exciting, and to be quite honest I was looking forward to coming back, getting into the swing of things- over the summer break I had become lazy, I needed a routine back in my life. 

I knew the workload would hit me hard. Having barely done anything before 12pm over the past 3 months, this was surely going to be difficult. However my spirits were high- that would never last long. Suffering with anxiety puts a strain on everyday activities, so I was expecting that to pop up. I overthink a lot, and the new year wasn't an exception. The brief was given out, and I was excited, but its almost as if something takes over inside me, and forces me to think of the bad, the un-necessary and un-realistic. When things are put into context, relate to me, thats when I start to panic- will I have enough time, will I be good enough? On the flip side, my depression forces me to not want to do anything, to the point where days on end I cant physically make myself do anything. I feel stupid, useless. I hate myself. But I’ve learnt (from suffering with it for over 10 years) that I have to do what my body wants, if I push too hard thats when the difficulties occur. Before, I would think I was weak if I didn't make myself do something, stay somewhere I didn't want to be, but it made more ill, to the point where I was at my lowest. Everyday was a struggle, even something as small and silly as asking my mum for a lift somewhere would spur an anxiety attack. It is getting better, I am now able to think with a more positive outlook. I reward myself- if I can make it to uni when I couldn't think of anything worse, staying just half a day, thats a massive achievement. 

This does make uni a lot harder than it already is. But this year I want a change. I accept that Im not going to get better- not in a long time at least. But I can work on ways that help me through uni, to help me achieve my goal. I know I can do it, I know I can get through the remaining years and achieve great results, but the other unwanted ‘thing’ inside of my body wants me to have it hard. But I’ll defeat it.